I told him I wasn't interested 😳

Look I’m no expert in feminism but in recent years, I’ve really started questioning the patriarchy.

  The more I have learnt and read about feminism, the more I’ve been able to recognise male privilege.

I’ve spoken a bit about it when speaking about female safety but I want to speak about it today in terms of this power that men have in social situations.

On Saturday night, I was at a table of mostly women having Mexican food, margaritas and an absolute laugh - I was in great form!

I can see this guy sitting with his friend at the bar and they kept looking over. I didn’t really pay him any heed.

When I saw him approaching, I was deep in a riveting story and the girls were all listening to me. I could see him approaching and he stands between the girls facing me.

I stop talking and look at him.

He says hello and we all kind of smile awkwardly at him.

He looks down to my friend to his right and asks where she’s from. She answers New Zealand. He looks down to his left and she answers Ireland.

He looks at me and I say Ireland, kind of dryly, as I was feeling a bit interrupted. He looked at me and said “obviously” before moving on to the other girls and they all obediently listed where they were from.

By the time he went to tell us where he was from - I interrupted him and told him we weren’t interested.

He looked shocked and went to say that he was “only being nice” and I said “that’s fine but we are having a great conversation, and we really don’t want to chat to you”.

Of course he muttered under his breath and stormed off, and the girls were delighted with me.

But why do I feel terrible whenever I assert that I don’t want to speak to a man?

Why did he feel that we owed him our time?

I want to be clear - he didn’t do anything wrong, besides being slightly rude because I was ginger and Irish.

But that’s why I want to write this email. What is the right thing to do there? For either of us?! I don’t like being a b*tch.

On the other end of the scale, I was approached by a man on the beach when I was lying at a beach club two weeks ago. He just came over with his coconut and asked where I was from etc.

I went to that beach club on my own, because I wanted to be on my own but I don’t actually like being rude, so I answered his questions and chatted back to him.

He then asked if he could sit down on the bed and I was a little shocked so I sat up and let him sit at the foot of the bed.

I wasn’t seeing any way of getting rid of him, so eventually I just told him I was leaving and gave him my instagram when he asked.

He has since messaged asking to see me again and I haven’t opened the message.

I’m trying to fight the feminine urge to just tell him I have a boyfriend. But again, it got me thinking, why is it so hard to just say “hey thanks for your interest but I’m not interested.”?

How should I have nipped it in the bud when he first came over without seeming rude?

If you stop him and say “sorry I’ll save you the time and let you know that I’m not interested”, they usually will come back with “I was just being nice/saying hi”.

This email is not to say I acted correctly in either instance, but I just want to be more thought provoking.

I’ve been thinking of all the times in clubs when I’m having the time of my life with the girls, dancing away and one of us has to stop and entertain a guy whispering in our ears. 

Again, is he doing anything wrong? I don’t really think so, especially if the girl is interested.

Maybe it’s a timing thing?

But in another email, I would probably say not to approach a woman on her own either!

It’s a weird power play that I don’t understand fully, but I would be interested to hear your thoughts - or if you have any reading recommendations on this.

Feel free to reply with your thoughts!

Thanks for reading,

Siobhan "No wonder I'm single" O'Hagan